“I don’t think you made a mistake.” God says.
“If it wasn’t a mistake, then why did it produce such a shitty result? I tell you I’m lonely, so you create others, now I have to live on a planet with everyone killing each other, fighting over crumbs, stealing from each other, over who can build the biggest sandcastle?” Adam said.
“Oh come on. I understand how you feel, but can you honestly say it’s all been gloom and doom? I can hear you laugh just as loudly as I can your cries.” God says.
“Sure, there’s been happy moments. But they don’t outweigh the bad.” Adam said.
“What about the birth of your first child?” God says.
Adam responded without haste “Of course I love that moment. I remember when I held Cain for the first time, he gave me this smile that melted my heart. I was completely awestruck by how such a perfect little thing could exist. Eve said he had my eyes, but when I looked in them I saw yours.”
God smiled satisfied.
Adam continued “It felt good to be needed. It was an unbelievable feeling. This small innocent baby needed me. He was so beautiful. I would have done anything to protect him.”
“You were a good dad. He was so proud of you.”
“It was strange having someone hang on my every word. He was so eager to learn, he was a sponge for knowledge. Not even Eve would listen to me the way he did.”
“The student became the teacher.”
“I can’t teach like you can. But I tried. I taught him everything I knew. I was such an idiot then. But I didn’t feel like one when he was around.” Adam said
“You were a good dad. You taught him right.” God said.
“It wasn’t enough though, was it. I didn’t teach him enough. How could I teach him what I didn’t know myself?” Adam said.
“You did the best you could.”
“When Abel was born, I couldn’t believe how lucky I was. I wanted to share him with the world. I was so proud of him.”
“I know.” God places their hand on Adam’s shoulder.
“It was my fault. I didn’t pay enough attention. Cain felt like I abandoned him. He was jealous that Abel needed me too. I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t just as eager to have someone to teach. Abel worshipped his older brother. It was like a circle of respect. Abel looked up to Cain, Cain looked up to me, and Abel had all my attention. Poor Eve was completely left out of the equation.” Adam said.
“It wasn’t your fault.” God says.
“If I had only been paying attention I could have done something different, it didn’t have to be like that. The signs were so obvious.”
“It’s not possible to see the signs until you learn what the sign says. It wasn’t your fault.”
“But it still happened. Cain killed his little brother because he was jealous of how much attention I gave to Abel. He killed him because of me.” Adam again sobbed uncontrollably at the realization that the memory was in fact real. Acknowledging it forced him to accept that it really happened.
God picked Adam up and held him as he cried. “I know it was hard. But it wasn’t your fault.” God tells Adam gently.
This only made Adam cry harder. Adam preferred this memory be repressed. The pain was too true. At this realization Adam returned to his determined pleading.
“God, it’s too much to handle. Let’s just go back to the way it was before and forget any arrangement.” Adam said with urgency.
“You know if that were to happen, no one else would be able to remain alive. They are part of the arrangement. Reversing it would reverse the whole of humanity that was born from our arrangement.” God says.
“That doesn’t make sense. You’re God, can’t you do something? Make some exceptions? Why should they have to be punished with oblivion just because of me? Don’t you have the power to do anything you want?” Adam said.
“I only have the power to do the right thing. Sometimes what you want isn’t the right thing.” God says.
“What about cancer? Is creating cancer the right thing? How can you allow such awful things but then claim to only do the right thing?” Adam said.
“Right for the balance of the universe. Everything depends on balance. If there were no balance we wouldn’t even be able to have a conversation at all, much less have a conversation about how things should be arranged. I know it doesn’t make sense right now. But at least understand that things are how they are because that is how things had to be.” God says. A wing of the pigeon falls from the nest and lands at God’s feet.
“But why does that mean things have to remain like this?” Adam said.
“If by ‘this’ you mean how humanity is, of course things will not remain the same. One of your biggest pitfalls is assuming what is will always be. Change is inevitable.
“But why can’t you just make everything perfect and let us live in a perfect world? Surely you’re not still upset over that silly fruit incident.” Adam said.
“Oh good Lord, no. That’s water under the bridge. That too was inevitable, leaving such a plant around a bunch of ignorant mud monkeys. Had you not stumbled upon it, one of your kids would have. It was bound to happen eventually. Why would I hold a grudge against that?” God says.
“So then why can’t things be perfect? Why must change be ‘inevitable’?” Adam asked.
“Because life is motion, and motion is change. You can’t have life without change, the two are one and the same. Once something moves, it creates change. It would be impossible for me to create something perfect and for it to remain perfect once given life. The second it moves it instantly changes and the first thing it does is start complaining. But change can be good. Progress provides its own perfect feelings of accomplishment and motivation that no other way of creating can. Every problem you can imagine has a point it will inevitably be solved. It’s only a matter of time until one of you has a breakthrough. Even your feeling of loneliness is temporary.” God says.
“It doesn’t feel temporary.” Adam said.
“Maybe not right now. But it is. It will always be part of life, but life will not always feel lonely.” God says.
“I just want to go home. Why is that too much to ask? Can I go home now?” Adam begged on hands and knees.
“You always could” God says.
Adam’s forehead clenched as he struggled with what this could mean and how it was possible. The more he thought about it the more it frustrated him.
“How? All this time I’ve been miserable here, just wanting to go back to Eden, and now you’re saying I always could? How? And don’t give me any Wizard of Oz bullshit about clicking my shoes together. I don’t even like wearing shoes.”
“All in good time. You ha to learn what the signs say before they can lead you in the right direction. But I think you’re ready. I believe in you.” God says.
“Can you start by at least explaining why it’s necessary for things to be like they are? What did you mean no one else would remain alive?” Adam asked.
“You really have forgotten a lot. You don’t remember the details of our arrangement, do you?” God asks.
“Sure, I was lonely so you created people for me.” Adam said.
“There’s more to it than that. Your soul is very special. There is none like it.” God says.
“Is my soul different because I am the first soul?” Adam asks.
“Nope. Your soul isn’t different at all. In fact it’s the exact same soul.” God says.
“If it’s the same, then what’s so special about it?” Adam asked.
“I didn’t create new souls when I created them. Yours is the only soul in all of creation. It’s special because it is the only one.” God says.
“So no one else has a soul? I knew about gingers, but everyone?” Adam asked shocked.
“No, you dumb witted moron. When I created Eve, I placed your soul into her. It was the only way for her to be given life like you.” God says.
“But if she had my soul, how did I stay alive?” Adam asked.
“You didn’t stay alive. You had to die so that you could reincarnate into Eve. You agreed to sacrifice your life in order to give others life. You didn’t die immediately though, you had a good long life. “
“So when I was with Eve, I was with myself?” Adam asked.
“Yup.” God says.
“That makes absolutely zero sense.” Adam said.
“Your spirit is the energy coursing through your nervous system, connecting brain cell to brain cell, playing connect the dots with memories of things you have experienced and the things you have learned you have stored in your brain. The energy running through your arms and your legs making you jump and dance, that energy is you, your essence. It behaves as energy does, neither created nor destroyed, only transferred. When you die, you keep going. Over and over, endlessly. And, after an eternal amount of time constantly cycling through lives, you end up as everyone. With an infinite amount of time on your hands, you’d be amazed on what you can accomplish. And ‘gingers’ as you call them are some of the times your soul burns brightest.” God says.
“I get it, but I don’t understand why things have to be the way they are.” Adam said.
“It’s difficult to understand yourself. It will probably help if you understand me first.” God says.
“Is that even possible? You’re infinite. To know you would be to know an infinite amount of things. If you expect me to know all that in order to go back to Eden, then you might as well ask me to hold a sign that says ‘God is Alive’ while floating in mid-air in the heart of downtown San Francisco, butt ass naked” Adam said.
“You’d be surprised what is possible. I don’t expect you to know an infinite amount of things to get to know me. Do you have to know everything about someone when you start to get to know them? It’s not very different, really. Just maybe deeper on a philosophical level and less talking about celebrity gossip.” God says.
“What do I need to know?” Adam asked.
“Do you know why I felt so much sympathy for you when I saw you crying?” God asks.
“Because you love me and don’t want to see me hurting.”
“It’s because I understand your loneliness better than you realize.” God says.
“Sure. You’re God. You understand everything.”
“I don’t think you understand what I mean. When I say I understand your loneliness, it’s not because I can see you feel that way. It’s because I feel lonely too.”
“But you’re God. How can you feel lonely?”
“Because I am the only thing that exists. There is nothing but me throughout all of existence. From the rising of the sun to the place of its setting, there is none but me.”
“So I am made out of you?”
“100%” God says.
“This tree, is you?”
“Every branch and leaf. I’m even the carcass of that damned pigeon being devoured in that nest above you.” God says. Adam glanced up in disgust. God glances down at Adam with pity.
“Planets? The Milky Way?” Adam asked.
“And every other galaxy. Everything I created I made from my own body. When you are the only thing in existence, you don’t really have much of a choice.” God says.
“But why create anything at all? Why create me to begin with?” Adam asked.
“It gave me purpose, a reason to live, a reason to be alive for. To have someone to teach. To talk to. To not be the dumbest one in the room. When I heard you crying on this bluff it reminded me of my own loneliness and I couldn’t help but empathize with you. You think you feel like a pinball? I’m literally particles of energy bouncing around creating stars creating galaxies creating into infinity. A symphony of bouncing around. And I experience all throughout time all the time. I feel everything that you have felt because I have experienced everything with you. I am right now experiencing all the awful things that upset you, that made you, cry out. I experience burying Abel as if I am cradling his body, right now. For me it’s still happening. You see, you are me. Your loneliness is my loneliness, your pain is my pain, your joy is my joy. It’s because of your experiences, my experiences as you, that I know all. Without being able to experience things through you, I wouldn’t be omniscient. You are important to me because without you I wouldn’t be complete. You make me whole.”
Adam began laughing loudly. This threw God off guard, which is not an easy thing to accomplish. “What’s so funny?” God asked.
“It’s just that all the time people have told me that when I’m talking to you that I’m really just talking to myself.” Adam said.
“Ok, and?” God asked eagerly.
“But really it’s you that are talking to yourself.”
“I’m glad to hear you laugh again. Does that mean you are starting to feel better?” God asks.
“Yeah, talking with you always helps, even if sometimes it hurts.” Adam says.
Adam takes a deep breath and tosses an acorn over the bluff, counting the times it bounced on the rocks below.
Three.